Sunday, February 27, 2005

Major Spoiler!

Pete has given me yet another role. This time, as 'The Buxom Bombshell' in the theatre scene. Whilst I am a man, he felt that I had the experience to pull off the required girly scream. What respect he has for my Artistry!

Sir Richard Karlson Ogilvy in the role of 'The Buxom Bombshell'

SPOILER ALERT! Don't read further, if you don't want to know what happens.

Gonk has broken out of the chains holding him down on the stage. The naked Burlesque dancers (Dame Mavis Duckworth's septuagenarian dance troupe) flee for their lives. Gonk tears down the red velvet drapes, the scaffolding and the lighting rig above.

The lights come crashing down on to the floor, and an electrical fire starts, igniting the curtains. Flames quickly spread, as Gonk leaps down into the seats below the stage. People are scurrying for their lives. There is an incredible shot of Gonk pounding his chest, as flames burn out of control behind him.

As the crowds push up the aisles to the exits, 'The Buxom Bombshell' (me) stands rigid with fear, screaming uncontrollably, with her hands grasping the sides of her face. The panicking crowd becomes more frantic, pushing 'The Buxom Bombshell' to the ground. She struggles to get up, but people continue to run over her.

In the meantime, Gonk is tearing up the seats, and throwing them at the escaping audience. He moves closer to where 'The Buxom Bombshell' is lying. He stops, and notices her. He puts down the chair he's about to hurtle, and grabs 'The Buxom Bombshell'. She lets out a dreadful scream, as Gonk brings her closer to his face.

His eyes become focused upon her, ignoring the fuss around him. He sniffs her with his nose, filling his nostrils with her pungent perfume. The scent begins to irritate his sinuses, and tears start to well-up into his eyes. He twitches his nose from side to side, as he fights back from sneezing. There's a beautiful close-up of Gonk's eyes, as they go crossed in desperation to overide the offending odour.

Finally, the temptation to sneeze overtakes him, and as flames lap up behind him, he expels enormous amounts of green discharge throughout the theatre. The weight of it brings several fleeing people to their knees.

Gonk wipes his nose with his right wrist, and then looks down at 'The Buxom Bombshell'. He finds her limp in his hand and dripping in nasal mucus. She lets out one last gasp and then expires. Gonk brings her up close to his face, and pokes her with his finger, but alas, she remains still.

In the pit below the stage, the conductor, who has remained with his musicians, like those on the Titanic, sees what has happened, and prompts the the orchestra to play 'The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow'. A little girl with ginger curls and a huge lollipop, pulls away from her father, and in a beautiful, high-pitched voice, starts to warble the song.

Gonk stands still, listening to the tranquil evoking melody, whilst creaking, cracking and popping sounds accompany from the furious fire. After some moments, the roof collapses upon the orchestra, and their touching music is to be heard no more. The little girl runs to catch-up with her father, but a huge crystal chandelier drops on to her as she screams out, "DADDY!"

Gonk smashes through the wall to his right, finding himself in a filthy, dark alleyway. He places 'The Buxom Bombshell' in a skip, and then goes on his merry way...

Saturday, February 26, 2005

WORLD EXCLUSIVE! First Gonk Action Image

Gonk On The Streets Of New York

Friday, February 25, 2005

Report 21: Snubbed By Jack Black!

I am a little surprised at Jack "White Tiger" Black's quote in the Channel 4 interview he did recently: "Filming's been great. Working with Peter Jackson and Adrien Brody, Naomi Watts, and Andy Serkis in New Zealand - trust me it gets a lot tougher than this."

Where indeed am I on that list of colleagues? Where am I, the illustrious thesp of the boards, who taught young Black how to deliver "The Seagull" line with such Shakespearean gravitas? Sure, Andy may get a mention, but by golly, it takes two, not one nipple, to get Gonk up and running! There will be sore words tomorrow with Mr. Black!


EXCLUSIVE! First Video Footage Of Peter Jackson's Gonk

As usual, your favourite number one character thespian has done the sneaky, and released to you, my fans, the first video footage of Gonk in action. The quality of this snippet is somewhat poor, because it was affected by the security x-ray machine that scanned me, as I left the studio today. I had to smuggle the canister in a place I'd rather not mention. Here it is:

Click Here To See Gonk In Action!

I consider the Gonk Marionette as simply groundbreaking! Look at the attention to detail. Mind you, the movement is to be credited to both Andy Serkis and I, manipulating the beast from within, with only milk ducts as our windows to the outside.

Report 20: Airplane FX On Gonk

I believe Pete's gone for plastic Airfix Models, hung on fishing wire. He says that whilst watching his favourite movie, Plan 9 From Outer Space, he was smacked by the inspiration of Ed Wood's UFO effects. Quite the thing in their day, and still standing up to the test of time.

Report 19: Set Antics With Jack Black, Naomi Watts & Adrien Brody

I do hope that those loves filming our antics for the behind-the-scenes documentary, will include all the little hidden moments that have made this filmmaking experience so special.

Who could ever forget the Potato Fight that the entire cast engaged in? Jack Black started it. He noticed a vegetable stall on the New York set, and within minutes, we were all hurling spuds at each other. Being somewhat of a fragile actor, my attempts at hitting Jack and Naomi were, to say the least, pathetic, with my missiles often landing behind me. At one point, a potato slammed into Naomi's nose, causing a dreadful fuss.

I also hope that the cameras caught the enrapture and interest shown by the other actors, as they listened to my tales of working with the greats of film and stage. On a daily basis, I would approach them, and find myself talking and talking and talking for hours about my extraordinary career. You could tell they were fascinated, because their eyes glazed over. What a darling group of young actors they all are.

I have a feeling that Jack Black may have succeeded with Dame Mavis Duckworth! He's been grinning all day. Filthy bugger!

Report 18: Small Gonk Spoiler From The Set!

One cannot blurt out all the nitty-gritties of the screenplay. However, I will inform you that there is a Mighty Joe Young style fire scene, set in a theatre full of naked Burlesque dancers (performed by Dame Mavis Duckworth's retired dance troupe of septuagenarians).

Andy has created a fabulous guttural noise for Gonk's various "ouch" yelps. It sounds like a bullhorn crossed with a pair of knickers flapping in the wind. Truly brilliant!

Report 17: First Image Of Gink Gonk!

As you know, I am the leading character thespian on this wonderous project. Like Sir Ian, I have a devilish naughty side, and so I am sneaking this actual image of Gonk from the design offices. I'm sure you will agree, that this is going to be a very special movie.

The Awesome Gink Gonk

Unlike those previous movies based on this true story, Pete has gone for realism. I respect that. I absolutely do. I do. I do. I do.

Oh, my! I must not drink Jack Black's Absinthe!

Report 16: King Kong Changes To Gink Gonk

IT'S OFFICIAL! The title of the movie has now been changed from King Kong to Gink Gonk, so that there is no confusion with the previous King Kong productions. If the names are too similar, they may confuse readers of Halliwell's Film Guide. Smart and considerate thinking, Pete!

When I was chatting with Sir Ian on the telephone tonight, he thought the new title was simply splendid. For all those Sir Ian fans, his lordship is currently performing at Butlins in Minehead, UK.

He's doing a one man show about the life of Larry King. I hear its marvellous. After Minehead, his next stop for the show will be Inuvik. Better book those tickets early, if you happen to be in North Canada.

Larry King: A Questioner Questioned, will also be performed on Pitcairn Island, for a week in April. If this demand continues, he may well be heading to a civic theatre near you!

Break a leg, Sir Ian!

Report 15: We're Actually Filming On The Empire State Building!

Peter has just given me a little call, informing Andy, Naomi and I, that we will be actually filming on the top of the Empire State Building in New York. Of course, Pete wants to keep most of the principle photography in Wellington, but there really is nothing like the REAL thing.

Unfortunately, I am rather not looking forward to being in the gargantuan Kong marionette's left nipple, trying to control it at such a great height. That said, I am a professional, and by God's grace, I will perform as I have never performed before. We will look upon this as the highest stage on which a thespian has ever treaded upon...

Here is a picture of the crew checking out the logistics. I suppose, it doesn't look so bad!

Our Crew Preparing The Empire State Building Location

You just cannot reproduce that in Wellington or with CGI. I have been told, that looking up Chris Lee's nostrils is very similar to the vortex effect in that shot, due mainly to the twisting mangrove of gray nasal hair.

Report 14: Oscar Here I Come...

I may get a long-overdue nod from Oscar! I don't want to jump the gun, but by God, I was phenomenal in the role. Peter has already said that he wished I had played all the four hobbits in The Lord Of The Rings. I thought those other actors were jolly good, but I suppose it is my versatility and years of experience on the boards.

Peter is a doll. What a sweet, sweet darling of a man!

SPOILER From The Set Of King Kong!

As you may all know, I have been one of the leading character thespians on this project. Apart from my marvellous stint as the Seagull, Kong's Left Nipple and choreographer par excellence, I have just finished off my role as The Man In A Blue-Striped Shirt. I had to keep this all very hush, hush, mum's the word!

In a simply wonderful night scene, Kong barges into New York zoo. He smashes down buildings and pulls up trees. The music is dramatic and fierce, with the sound of sirens blaring all around. Kong twists up cages, releasing the tigers, wolves and bears within, who quickly scarper off.

As Kong continues on his path of destruction, he comes to a tiny small enclosure, full of little white rabbits and guinea pigs. There is a cut to a close-up of Kong's face. His eyes lose their ferocity, becoming gentle and docile; almost as if he is thinking, "Oh, what pwetty, pwetty wabbits." At this point, the background music lightens into a tranquil lull.

Kong sits down. Suddenly, The Man In The Blue-Striped Shirt (me), enters the scene. He's carrying a bucket of rabbit food. He shouts out at Kong, "Oy, you can't sit on the grass. Zoo policy, squire."

Kong again becomes enraged, and rushes to The Man In The Blue-Striped Shirt. The giant ape leans down growling. His breathe blowing the hair of the little zookeeper, like a hurricane. They face each other, nose-to-nose.

"No need to get angry, sir." says the diminutive man, "If I had to change the rules for everyone, then there wouldn't be any order. I'm sorry, I have to be firm on this one."

Kong let's out another enormous growl, knocking the little man over with his breathe.

"If you don't behave, I may have to ask you to leave, sir. I'm just trying to do my job. I've got a wife and kids to feed, you know."

Kong tilts his head from side to side, looking as if he understood. Violins start playing a gentle theme. But, quickly the sounds of gunshots withdraw his attention. Policeman can be seen heading in his direction.

Kong gets back up on his legs. As he does so, a bullet scrapes his left knee, only hurting him ever so slightly. He makes a gorilla "ouch" noise (probably Andy). He stumbles backwards, and crushes The Man In The Blue-Striped Shirt under foot. There is a horrible squishing sound. As Kong lifts up his foot, we see a scene resembling strawberry jam combined with rabbit food.

The police charge forward; some mounted on horses. Kong lifts up some rabbits and starts throwing them at the police. The sky becomes filled with white rabbits, twisting and turning. Peter has several beautiful close-ups of rabbits squarely hitting the policemen in the face.

After he has wiped out all the police, Kong then heads to Broadway.......

Report 13: Christmas With Peter Jackson & Family

Well, as you all know, I have been working overtime like a drunk's bladder on Kong. With the BIG musical number, as well as my stint as the Seagull and the rehearsing of Kong's Left Nipple with Andy Serkis, I felt rather knackered before the Christmas hiatus.

I have been crashing over at Fran and Pete's in their tiny spare room for the duration of the production. It's a comfortable little space, if a little underdecorated. I have wondered why Peter never got enough paint to finish one of the corners. Anyhow, the Thomas The Tank Engine bedcovers certainly brighten the room. I just wish they would remove the boxes containing Pete's stamp and coin collections.

It was lovely to spend Christmas with the family. I'll always remember the sight of Peter with a purple paper crown on his head, blowing a party whistle, as he carried out the turkey to the table. He looked like Santa Claus with Grecian 2000.

The turkey was a bit of a giggle. Peter placed it on the table and asked me to cut it. As I tried, we all realised that Peter was up to his old tricks, as the turkey was really a rubber prop. Oh, we laughed.

It was a funny moment, but when we realised that Peter had forgotten to purchase a real one... the smiles quickly dropped.

Peter and Fran were very generous with the presents. They gave me a lovely Russian nasal trimmer and a packet of ten Bic pens (two work fine). I gave them matching diamond- studded platinum Cartier watches. I just hope they don't lose them.

In the evening, we played Charades. One category that seemed to suit Peter was Movies. Although, we all found it hard to guess King Kong. It was a good effort as he beat his chest, but he looked more like Burgess Meredith as the Penguin in the 60's Batman! Fran thought he was Scarlet O'Hara in Gone With The Wind.

It was a fabulous time. Unfortunately, I had to shoot across the Big Pond to attend the Sundance Festival. I received a standing ovation for my role in Aviator. I played Leonardo's moustache. Bob Redford was particularly flattering...but doesn't he look so old?

Tomorrow, I'm back on the set. The Kong Marionette is now ready for principle shooting. Andy and I have really synchronised the movements beautifully. We had the crew laughing the other day, when we performed John Travolta's dance in Saturday Night Fever! I watched the video that someone took of us. It looked ridiculous seeing a 60 foot prosthetic marionnette digging the moves. Oh, what a laugh we have had on this shoot. I doubt I'll ever see such days again on a set. Marty Scorsese was never like this.

Report 12: Shenanigans On The Kong Set

It seems that Jack Black's been making moves on Dame Mavis Duckworth, our septuagenarian dancing marvel.

Since Andy Serkis has immersed himself entirely in the Kong role, Peter has enforced strict guidelines to keep Serkis away from the Moscow Dancing Monkeys. We don't want any embarrassing situations arising.

Report 11: Smashing News From Peter Jackson!

Literally minutes ago, word has come through that the twelve famous Moscow Dancing Monkeys will also be onboard. YAHOO!

These Macaque simian wonders gained fame for their illustrious dance routines. I for one, was quite tickled to watch them perform at the Royal Prince Albert Hall, in London. Dressed in their funny little red Tsar military uniforms, they pranced about the stage like miniature Nijinskys and Nureyevs.

Oh, it's truly fabulous to know that they will be involved. There's something nice about dancing monkeys being in a film about Kong. Smashing!

Report 10: Working Hard On The BIG Dance Number For Kong

Having been somewhat of an old school song and dance man, Peter asked if I would be interested in doing the choreography for the BIG KONG dance number.

When he asked me, the baked beans I was eating jetted out of my mouth in disbelief, landing all over Fran's sequin Kitty-chan t-shirt. I was absolutely delighted to assist.

Peter has built a beautiful large dance room with mirrors, for the rehearsals to take place. We have a wonderful troupe from a local dance school, aged seven to twelve, as well as Mavis Duckworth and Her Dancing Belles; a retired group of old ladies, who gained fame in their younger years, working on classic television shows, such as Glorious Hot Feet and Spangled Movers, With Wayne Sleep. Quite a line-up of performers I think you'll agree.

Wearing my trade-mark pink leotard, white tap shoes and spectacles on a chain, I have been pushing them all very hard to achieve the result that Peter is looking for. He wants a massive glittering spectacular, with falling tinsel, top hats and tailed coats, and Skull Island savages.

Report 9: Painting The Wall Of Skull Island

Sorry for not writing for a while, but Peter has kept us all very busy on set. As you may have heard, there is a mighty scramble to get the Skull Island wall completed on time. Due to a lack of hands, Peter threw some overalls at the cast, and told us to get on with it, and help the crew paint.

I must say, Adrien Brody is quite a dab hand with the stippling brush. It turns out that when he was a young fellow, he worked as a painter decorator at Liberace's house. Unfortunately, the set designers had to step in, after Brody started adding gold leaf and several crystal chandeliers to the wall. Wholly inappropriate. Gold aside, his rock stipling is marvellous.

As the wall has grown in height, it has become difficult to reach the higher alcoves, so Andy and I were called on to drive the 60 foot Kong marionette over to the set, so that we could elevate some of the set designers in his hands. Peter is now considering building a whole range of Kong marionettes, designed for the construction industry. He will call this new business, Kong & Sons Ltd. You heard it here first!

Unfortunately, it looks like they will have to shave Naomi's head, as Jack Black accidently dropped a can of paint all over her, when he caught a glimpse of Kong. I think they may use Sean Astin's old wig, if she ends up bald. Poor love!

I won't say who, but one of our cast members is insisting on being called 'White Tiger'!

Report 8: Lovely Time With Peter Jackson

I had a simply marvellous evening yesterday, at the ice-skating rink. Peter is an amazing mover when skating backwards. So smooth and graceful. Many people around, just cooed a simple "wow", as he passed them by.

At one point, they slipped on the music from 'Bonanza'. He did some beautiful turns and jumps, before sinking to his knees, as the music came to an end. I honestly never knew that Peter Jackson was such a skilled skater. In contrast, Fran and I had to support ourselves as we slowly moved around.

Peter Jackson Doing His 'Bonanza' Routine

Anyway, today was a busy day for all involved on the set. The guys are busy assembling the Skull Island wall, which is starting to look like the wall my Uncle Jim built for his rose garden.

Naomi seemed a little peeved at me. I have no idea why, but Andy thinks it may be due to the prank we played on Jack Black the other day. Unfortunately, Jack has still not recovered from the shock, and does nothing other than scream, "THE HORROR! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" A touch dramatic, if you ask me.

We have still to film any scenes with the 60 foot Kong Marionette. It's really just a lot of prep work for Andy and I, at this time. We had a bit of a scare, when we took the prosthetic behemoth for another walk outside, this morning. Andy forgot to pull the "Duck" string as we were leaving the prop storage warehouse. Instead of missing the door frame, Kong went straight into it, knocking off his head, which remained dangling by a few wires. We knew something was wrong, because we could see the cloudy sky above, through the gaping hole in his neck.

Peter was not happy, as to be expected. The prop guys are now busy rebuilding Kong's head. Both Andy and I didn't see what all the fuss was about. Well, one should expect these little accidents to occur, when working on such a movie.

Report 7: King Kong Is No Holiday!

Andy and I are working so hard, that we have ended up looking like children in a Dicken's workhouse. All we ask is that you appreciate our suffering for THE Arts. We are proud of our sacrifices. Skinny, yes! But what artists!

After the shoot this afternoon, Peter and Fran are going to take me down to the local ice-skating rink for a few turns. Supposedly, they sell very good conies there, so I'll treat them all.

Report 6: Early Kong Advertising

Peter is so tickled with the tattoos that Andy Serkis and I have above our nipples, that he has decided to use them as part of the initial advertising campaign. What do you think?

Andy Serkis & Sir Richard's Tattoos Used For Advertising Campaign

Letter From Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dear RKO,

Fran will be making beans on toast tonight. Is that okay with you? I know I'm fine with that.



Letter From Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dear RKO,

Jack Black has just complained about a prank that you and Andy played on him. Allegedly, while Jack was having a quiet smoke outside the studio, you crept up behind him in the 60 foot Kong Marionette.

Whilst he was busy relaxing and considering his lines for the next scene, you tapped him on the shoulder with one of Kong's huge fingers. Jack was extremely shocked, as that was his first contact with the Kong marionette, and has thus had to take the remainder of the day off, due to a nasty case of the vapours.

Guys, I love you lots, but please consider the gentle temperament of our leading actors.

Love always,


P.S. I would have loved to have filmed that for my DVD extras!

Report 5: LOTR Tradition Continues...

Since Andy and I have become stalwart partners, due to our Nipple roles, we have both decided to continue the tradition established on the Lord Of The Rings production, where each of the hobbits had a tattoo done.

Instead of a ring, Andy and I have the mighty ape's name above our nipples in Gothic font: Above my left nipple (as I play Kong's left udder), I have "KONG" tattooed. Andy has "KING" tattooed over his right nipple. It's a lovely token of our bonding and the pleasure we share working on this production.

Andy And His New Tattoo

Report 4: The Kong Marionette In Action!

Andy Serkis and I have formed a rather strong camaraderie in our role as Kong's Nipples. We have yet to film any shots of Kong in action, but over the past week, we have been getting familiar with the machinations of controlling the mighty prosthetic behemoth. Just the other day, we took it out for a spin - the first time for the 60 foot Kong marionette to step outside.

In fact, I guess it would be okay to describe our working methods. First, we must climb up a bamboo ladder, and enter through a hole at the base of Kong's back. As you can imagine, it is a little cramped inside, but there is a cocktail bar in one corner, so that we can refresh ourselves when we need.

To control Kong, it is important that we can see outside, so when Andy and I go into action, we have to insert our heads into the nipples, where we can peer through a gauze covered hole. All around us our various strings and pedals, which create different movements. For example, if I pull the string to my right, I can make Kong do an Irish jig! If I push the pedal directly below, I can get Kong to stand on tippy-toes. Brilliant engineering!

We really cannot wait for you all to see the final results. I am so proud to work with such a creative, energetic and visionary team. Thank you Peter!

Report 3: Tragic Incident On The Studio Set!

I wasn't there, but Jack Black told me something that really choked me up. Allegedly, Elijah Wood unexpectedly appeared on the set, in full Hobbit costume and make-up, during the filming of a scene between Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody! Everyone became silent; stunned by the tragedy of seeing Wood out of his mind.

Peter, in his kind, gentle manner, quickly rushed to attend to Wood. One of the make-up lasses later told me, that she overheard Peter telling Wood that the Lord Of The Rings production had now been fully completed. Elijah seemed to get riled, and said that he wouldn't be able to return to the Shire, unless he could destroy the Ring. All very tragic! Isn't it fascinating when one's fantasy crosses over into reality.

Sir Ian often said to me, "Elijah is a HEAVENLY CREATURE!" We wish him a speedy recovery.

Report 2: Rehearsing With Andy Serkis

Andy and I were busy synchronising our movements within the colossal rubber nipples that will be our home for sometime.

I'm glad to report that Andy and I have created some beautiful work with Kong's nipples, and we seem to have now got a good sense for handling Kong's various rudders and pullies. The steam engine that they have at the heart of the 60 foot prosthetic mannequin, helps to motorise some of his functions, but at the end of the day, what you'll see up on the screen, will be the foot-peddling, string-pulling, head-nodding efforts of the two of us. We look like a couple of mad professors, when we get into action. Hopefully, Peter will release a short video for you to see us doing our stuff on this website! You'll love it. I guess, glimpses of Kong are still hush, hush!

Report 1: First Day On The Set Of King Kong

4:00 a.m.

Well, Fran awoke me this morning for my first proper day on set, with a lovely cup of tea and some toast. I quickly got dressed, and decided not to take a shower for two reasons: 1. I was going to get wet, because a litre of water was going to be dropped on me from a dunk tank. 2. Because Peter never washes the bath after he uses it, so there are all kinds of hairs floating about. Anyhow, the limo was there to pick me up, and off I went to the studio, with my cravat wrapped around my neck and my walking cane held in hand.

6:00 a.m.

I headed to Wardrobe, so that I could get into Fran's marvellous Seagull cosie. I do wish that they had washed the pink leotard after Serkis had finished with it. However, that was an issue for me and not the audience. There will be NO scratch-and-sniff cards!

6:30 a.m.

Went to Make-Up, where they applied black, circular greasepaint marks around my eyes. I was incredibly surprised at how that made me look like a real seagull...and that was before the beak was attached!!! However, once the orange rubber beak was added, I can quite honestly say, David Attenborough would have been fooled, if I should ever have been on a ledge on some cliff face where he was filming a documentary. SIMPLY MARVELLOUS! They even added some white gunk around my tail feathers. Detail is what it is all about!

7:00 a.m.

Met Jack Black today for the first time. What a darling! And so very, very funny. He had the crew and I in stitches with his fabulous impression of a train door. Brilliant! As for Noami, I just had a brief chat with her over by the caterers. Seems very nice, although I made a mistake by saying how brilliant I thought she was in 'Monster'. Whoops, that was Charlize Theron! Anyhow, she took it on the chin like a real pro.

7:45 a.m.

The crew applauded me as I waddled on to the set as 'The Seagull'. Once the cables were attached, and I got used to flapping the prosthetic wings that were stuck to my arms, I really started to believe I was actually a seagull. Unfortunately, the winch is still creating a horrible squeak, but Pete says that he'll redub over the noise at a later time. Anyhow, Jack did is line, "Look a mighty big seagull is a coming!", with enormous gravitas. Quite Shakespearean, actually. He had problems at first with the delivery, but I went through it a little with him. One can never discount the experience that one gets from years of treading the boards! Jack was very appreciative, but seemed to be enraptured by my orange rubber beak.

9:00 a.m.

Take 97! I feel very wet. Peter seems to be unhappy with something I am doing. He has headed off to his trailer. Not quite sure what is wrong, but I would like to know what the issue is with me. May be I am not flailing my arms enough, when the water hits me? Who knows?

11:30 a.m.

Finally, after some stress, it turns out that Peter is generally unhappy with my performance. We sat down and had a chat. I asked him that I required motivation. Why is this seagull landing? What is the seagull's reason for being? How was its relationship with its parents? Peter explained that I was just a friggin' seagull landing on the ship. I appreciated his candor and headed back to the set. Anyway, I am pleased to inform you that we got the 'Seagull Landing' scene in the can. Now, it was next to the 'Overboard/Propellor' action sequence.

12:30 p.m.

My, what a professional Andy Serkis is. He came to join Naomi, Jack and I for a bite to eat in the studio's canteen. While Naomi had a 16 pound steak, Jack ate a green leaf salad, and I had lobster, Andy, in true method style, just ate a bunch of bananas. He told us a hilarious story of when he had eat raw fish in Lord Of The Rings. The next day, he came down with a nasty case of the runs in his pink leotard... That explained the smell!

2:00 p.m.

I have just told Peter that I will only go overboard one more time. There is only so many times I can throw myself over in the style of Harold Lloyd, as Peter has requested. I thought the last take was perfect, but Peter doesn't seem so enthralled. Oh, better go.... AND ACTION!

4:30 p.m.

Oh, finally completed my stuff on today's shoot. I look forward to seeing the rushes, as I think, after all the stress, we may have achieved a first in cinema history. In many ways, I think there is a little Burt Reynolds in my performance as 'The Seagull'. It's a shame that the character meets a demise, because I would loved to perform it in another movie; preferably, as a title role. If you can believe in giant gorillas, then why not a giant seagull? Anyhow, I hear that WETA is doing some wonderful CGI with the propellor chop-up.

11:00 p.m.

Just had a lovely chat with Ian Mckellan on the phone. Lots of well-wishing, as to be expected. I feel very tired, but looking forward to my next role, as 'Kong's Left Nipple'. Nitey-night, all!

First Day Of Filming Approaches!

Dear RKO,

We will be requiring you on set tomorrow. It will be a nice and early start, so the limo will pick you up from our home, at around 5:30 tomorrow morning.

Now, there is a little change in your entrance scene as 'The Seagull'. Instead of you landing on the deck and then taking off, while sailors take potshots with automatic weapons, we have decided that just after Jack Black shouts, "BLIMEY, THERE'S A MIGHTY BIG SEAGULL COMING!", a dunk tank will drop one litre of water that washes you off the deck violently. Please flail around like a silent movie actor, before you go overboard.

It will be a very dramatic moment, where Naomi Watts will rush to the back of the ship screaming, only to discover your mangled Seagull body leaving a trail of frothy blood, feathers and remnants of a pink leotard flooding out from the rotating propellor below. Please give me a RING if you think of any other ideas for this riveting scene.



Original Notes - Letter 1: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dear Sir Richard,

I believe that you are exactly the right person to perform as Kong's Left Nipple.

We have been desperately searching for someone perfect to match Andy Serkis's performance for the other chest protrusion. Oh, how happy you have made us. Thank you! Oh, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you.... We will be in contact with your agent.


Peter Jackson

Letter 2: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dearest Sir Richard,

We would very much like to cast you as the "Man In A Blue Stripe Shirt", who gets squished under Kong's foot. Your looks and physical uniqueness, lend themselves to such a performance. With your ample talents, I would not be surprised if a Best Supporting Actor Oscar doesn't end-up on your trophy shelf.

Love always,


Letter 3: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dear Sir Richard,

Fran and I were sitting up in bed last night, and we were wondering how we might be able to fully utilise your enormous talent. We feel that the "Left Nipple" role is too small, so we have agreed to give you a BIGGER PART! We are absolutely thrilled to have you onboard, Sir Richard!

Best wishes,


Letter 4: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dear Sir Richard,

Fran and I, while dropping off the kids at school, have come up with a smashing plan to utilise you beyond 'The Left Nipple' role and 'The Man In A Blue Stripped Shirt'. We would also like to employ you as 'The Seagull Who Signals The Approach To Skull Island'.

Of course, we could simply use CGI, but we feel that you dressed up as a seagull, who lands on the deck of the ship, will provide the human aspect required for the role. The costume will allow some of your facial features, and we will employ a yellow beak that fastens around your face with an elastic.

As for your height, no problem. THIS IS SKULL ISLAND, so it is easy to assume that seagulls will also be KING SIZE. We assume that you have no problem flying in on cables (aka a stage production of 'Peter Pan' style) We hope you like the idea. Get back to us.



Letter 5: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dearest Love,

Delighted that you have accepted the Seagull role. It is a cracking good part. De Niro has been badgering us no end to covet it. However, he just doesn't seem right.

Anyway, just to let you know that Fran has raided our down sleeping bags for feathers - we haven't used them since camping last summer with the kids - and is busy sticking them on to Andy's pink Gollum leotard, with some Latex. It really is starting to take shape. You'll look like that seagull from Disney's 'The Rescuers'....... Germatrude!!! Hee! Hee!



Letter 6: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dearest Sir Richard,

I hope I'm not troubling you with all these messages. Anyhow, would it be okay for Jack Black to shout: "Look out, there's a mighty big seagull approaching!" at the point when the cables are lowered for you to land?

We are trying to cure a squeak that seems to be eminating from the pully winch, but anyhow, hopefully tomorrow it will be fixed. Who knows in the BIG OLD WORLD OF MOVIE MAKING! Hee! Sly Jack would really appreciate the extra line.



Letter 7: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dear Sir Richard,

Fran and I are so very much looking forward to your arrival. We have been fans of your work for a long time. The spare room has been made, although I hope you don't mind the Thomas The Tank Engine bedclothing.

In the mornings, I must drop off the kids, but feel free to make yourself at home. The coffee and cornflakes are next to the microwave. Could you also feed Hammy Hamster?

Best wishes,


Letter 8: Peter Jackson To Sir Richard

Dear RKO,

Fran and I are delighted that you are staying with us. I am sorry that this is only a message stuck to a fridge with a smiley magnet, but I'm just a piddle too busy with first dropping of the kids at school, then getting clothes washed down the launderet, and then having to make this friggin' movie.

Love, we know how great you'll be as 'The Seagull', 'Kong's Left Nipple' and 'The Man In A Blue Striped Shirt', but would you kindly wash your dishes after you have eaten your Cornflakes in the morning? Fran and I were up all night scrubbing out the dried leftovers stuck to the bowl. We love you, darling, but could you just do that simple task, until you are called on to set? Please don't get into a pickle.

Kind regards,